i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
