today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
