hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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