I met the friendliest cop last night
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
