So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I could fuck to npr.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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