I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
