Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
