Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You are the jesus of drinking
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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