I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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