Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize