dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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