Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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