we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i wish my penis had a tongue
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
