Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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