Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
