man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
