I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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