My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize