why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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