Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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