I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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