And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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