He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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