I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
