you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
