i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
and you fell through a lawn chair
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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