I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
