I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
