I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
