Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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