Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
