Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
