I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
