If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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