I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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