Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize