i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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