Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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