Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
bring money and cleavage
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
