I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
