I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
