does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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