he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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