I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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