Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
