You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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