I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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