Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
