apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
