Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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