Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
