You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize