I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
