Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
