i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
