I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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