I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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